For the past few months, since April the 8th, I’ve been busy writing, reading and rewriting. Trying my best to improve and get to a point I feel proud of what I create. The first couple of months I did so with a lot of energy and motivation, ending days with a feeling of accomplishment. Leaving barely any day behind for something else.
That started to change after I got the notification from a competition I had joined that I hadn’t made it, it wasn’t that soon after this every bit of motivation and excitement for writing disappeared. It was more the first thing that started to motion it. Of course it did make me feel somewhat insecure, especially because I was busy for another competition. It didn’t help that by this time I had no idea what my mistake were.
Meanwhile, I had just finished another story completely and began to read it and search for anything that could be done differently. Every word I read made me shiver and not in a good way. I hated everything. A new set of doubt came in. It wasn’t the story for a competition, it was a story I wanted to put on my blog as a series, but being something I thought wasn’t good enough it wasn’t something worth my energy. So I left it for another time.
Unfortunately the story already made me very insecure about my writing and vulnerable for other insecurities as well. It was when I started to compare myself with others. I criticized every flaw, imperfection and every mistake I could find and point it out, made it bigger.
The deadline came close, sweat started to drop in together with the feedback of the competition before. It was bad, there was barely any positive note to find which made me feel sick and doubt if I would ever be a good enough writer to be published. With only the deadline of the next competition a week or two away, with a much needed weekend holiday in between, there wasn’t enough to use the feedback given to me to properly improve my story. A frustrating thing. By this time my energy level sick quite down to the bottom of a pit, making it hard to push myself to do anything. Even getting to bed was getting difficult.
I tried to put it away and focus on the story and the last work on it, I had to do, when the last piece of information from the competition came into my hands. The ranking list, with me at the end. Not even worth a whole point. Now I know that looking back at the competition and the story I used for it, the match wasn’t really there. But vulnerable as I was after working on it with hardly any break, some things that were going on at home, together with the pressure I suddenly fell from social media, it hit me. The day after that, leading up to deadline day, I felt bad and in constant need to cry.
Being so negative and hard for myself tired me out and after watching some fashion related YouTube videos I decided it was time to have a break and do something positive and light. Something that gives me energy and positivity, short-term, than something that would drain me from it. I hope, of course, that writing one day will give me something in return, I still do not plan on giving up.
Clothes. I’ve always loved messing around with, ever since I could buy my own. Fantasizing about the outfits I would find, the feeling of the possible adventures and occasions I could wear them. And the excitement of being that new person the first day of wearing them, especially on the first school day, at Christmas parties and the first day of the new year.
I got excited about the idea of messing around with clothes again, creating new outfits. So I made the decision that this would be my project of the two months I’m having a break of intense writing and criticizing myself. A little project I will of course share here on my blog, although I do not know in what shape or form yet, with no pressure put onto myself. Just whatever I want to do with it and with the idea of having some breathing time and time to find myself back again and to be a little kinder to myself so I can be kinder to others. So that when I get back to writing again in November I will be ready for it.