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Something else should be here

Skirt: H&M
Sweater: Asos
Shoes: All stars
Bag: Used to be my moms
Earrings: Asos
Choker, bow necklace:  Urban outfitters

Dear people who read this,

When I planned to post something this Sunday, I had something else in mind. I’ve written something, but I’m just not happy with it. It still needs a lot of work, before I can be confident enough about it to post.
And for a similar reason I have a different picture. Originally I wanted a picture of me with a favourite outfit of mine, but lately my insecurities are mind controlling. I think in the first post in September I mentioned it briefly before, my insecurities and picking myself apart about every flaw I can find. Not much had changed since then, I still do that till the point of my own frustrations. And it doesn’t help that my hair and I don’t seem to go eye to eye, it never does as I please. Therefore, I decided to grow out my pixie-cut again into a short bob. Which probably means I will have to go through that awful, awkward stage, but that’s only temporary. And neither does it help that my skin is in a terrible state, it’s so oily that it reflects light so much I’m afraid I might blind someone if I’m not careful. My breakouts have not been this bad in, well, ever I think. And for some reason social media is really getting underneath my skin with all those perfect faces, with clear, healthy looking skin, well done hair, pretty noses, sweet smiles and sparkling teeth, that I no way possible I could compare to. Of course I know most of these have used Photoshop, but that doesn’t mean I’m not affected by it. The most frustrating part is that lately I’ve been trying to take some selfies, for the simple reason that I want some prove later on in life on how I once looked, but can’t make one that I’m even the slightest bit pleased with. In fact, every time I see a picture of myself, either made by me or by someone else it haunts me. I only see the ugly and that is what I want to change and what I’ve been trying to and will continue to try.
This is a bit of a winding way of telling you why this post is turning out the way it is, even though none of you knew what that would be like or that even a post would be up. So what does that even matter? Nothing I suppose, it’s just that I’ve got better at being more regular here on my blog, by posting every Wednesday and Sunday and I don’t want that to change just yet. So instead of just leaving you with no post at all, I decided on this one, where I ramble a bit, with a picture of some clothes lying on the ground. And this is also a post to tell you that next Sunday there might be another one, where I ramble away, to come, hopefully a bit more cheerful and not so gloomy and for the weeks after that, I think more similar post will be here every Sunday until I found it in myself to make something better. Or perhaps Sunday is going to be the day I’m going to write letters to you like you would to a friend in the old days.

I wish you all a nice day,

Love Esther

4 Comments

  1. sther lieverd
    dank je wel voor het delen
    en ga lekker door met schrijven en overwegen
    een van de manieren om jezelf in een andere mood te krijgen
    lijkt me
    ik oefen momenteel met het gewaar zijn van mijn gedachtes en gevoelens
    wetend dat het maar gedachtes zijn
    en niet de werkelijkheid
    om dan te besluiten dat ik er een andere meer voedende gedachte tegenover kan zetten, om daar mijn aandacht op te richten
    niet dat dat altijd zo goed en meteen lukt hoor
    en vaak vergeet ik ookweer dat het zo kan
    en jank ik maar even van zelfmedelijden en zwaarmoedigheid
    why not…
    ik wens je fijne voedende impulsen
    liefs Gw

  2. sorry E vergeten
    Harmen roept vaak
    I’m not a perfectionist in every detail
    kunnen wij nog wat van leren
    heb net boeken over hooggevoeligheid en hoe daarmee om te gaan uit de bieb besteld,
    heb je je daar wel eens in verdiept?

    liefs G

  3. Hai Esther, echte foto’s van echte mensen zijn het mooist. Met alle weerspiegeling en diepte. Wie je bent en wat je voelt…..we zijn altijd geneigd aan ieder plaatje een kritische gedachte te hangen. Vooral een selfie! Maar er is altijd een mooi detail, waar je trots op mag zijn. Echt.
    Hella

  4. Usually I do not learn post on blogs, however I wish to say that this write-up very pressured me to take a look at and do so!
    Your writing style has been surprised me. Thank you, quite great article.

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